Building a Strong Relationship Connection: What the Research Says
When couples ask how to build connection in a relationship, they often think it takes grand gestures. But according to decades of research from the Gottman Institute, the small, everyday moments matter most.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned relationship experts, have spent over 40 years studying what makes love last. Their evidence-based Gottman Method shows that emotional connection grows through small daily actions, intentional communication, and learning to “turn toward” each other.
The Power of Bids for Connection
One of the Gottmans’ most powerful concepts is bids for connection. A bid can be as simple as asking, “Did you see that funny video?” or sharing a moment from your day.
When your partner makes a bid, you have a choice:
-
Turn toward (respond positively)
-
Turn away (ignore it)
-
Turn against (respond negatively)
Happy couples turn toward each other about 86% of the time. This means they respond to bids with interest and affection, which builds trust and emotional intimacy over time.
Practical Ways to Build Connection in Your Relationship
If you want to know how to build connection in a relationship, try these Gottman-inspired tips:
1.Notice and respond to bids
Start seeing everyday comments, touches, and looks as opportunities to connect. Respond with warmth and curiosity.
2.Create daily rituals of connection
Have a morning check-in, share a goodnight ritual, or enjoy a weekly date night. Small routines reinforce emotional closeness.
3. Ask open-ended questions
Instead of “Did you have a good day?”, try “What was the best part of your day?” Open-ended questions invite deeper conversations.
4. Express appreciation often
According to the Gottman Institute, happy couples share at least five positive interactions for every negative one. Compliment each other, say thank you, and express admiration.
5. Practice gentle conflict management
How you handle disagreements impacts connection. Use “I” statements, avoid blame, and take breaks if needed. The Gottman Method teaches that conflict can strengthen intimacy when managed well.
6.Keep learning about each other
Your partner isn’t the same person they were five years ago. Stay curious about their dreams, worries, and goals. The Gottmans call this building your “love maps.”
Building Emotional Intimacy That Lasts
True connection goes beyond just good communication. It’s about emotional intimacy resulting in feeling seen, heard, and valued. By consistently showing up for each other in small ways, you create a secure base that helps your relationship thrive.
Final Thoughts: How to Build Connection in a Relationship
Building a deep, lasting connection in your relationship doesn’t happen overnight. But with daily practice, curiosity, and Gottman Institute strategies like turning toward bids for connection, you can create a love that lasts.
Remember, it’s not the grand vacations or expensive gifts that keep couples close, it’s the everyday moments, the little questions, the shared laughter, and the commitment to truly know and support each other.
Ready to Build a Stronger Connection?
If you’d like professional support using the Gottman Method, consider working with a our couples therapists. They can help you apply these tools in a way that works for your unique relationship.
