Understanding and Supporting Someone Who Self-Harms
Self-harm is a topic that’s often misunderstood and shrouded in silence. Whether you’re a parent, friend, partner, or clinician, supporting someone who self-harms can feel overwhelming—but your understanding and presence can make all the difference.
Let’s explore what self-harm is, why it happens, and how you can respond in ways that lead to healing and hope.
What Is Self-Harm?
Self-harm refers to intentionally hurting one’s own body often through cutting, burning, or hitting as a way to cope with emotional pain, stress, or numbness. It’s more common than many people realize and affects teens and adults alike.
It’s important to note that self-harm is not necessarily a suicide attempt. More often, it’s a way for individuals to manage intense feelings or to feel something when emotions feel otherwise unreachable.
Why Do People Self-Harm?
There’s no single reason, but common triggers include:
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Emotional numbness or overwhelm
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Trauma or unresolved grief
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Mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, or borderline personality disorder
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Difficulty expressing emotions verbally
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Feelings of shame or low self-worth
While self-harm may bring momentary relief, it can lead to deeper emotional wounds and ongoing cycles of shame.
How to Support Someone Who Self-Harms
Being there for someone who self-harms requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to listen without judgment. Here’s how to start:
1. Stay Calm and Nonjudgmental
Reacting with anger, fear, or guilt can cause the person to shut down. Instead, take a deep breath and respond with empathy. Phrases like, “I’m here for you,” or “Thank you for trusting me with this,” go a long way.
2. Ask Open Questions
Show curiosity, not interrogation. Ask:
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“Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling lately?”
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“What usually leads you to want to self-harm?”
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“How can I support you right now?”
3. Gently Encourage Professional Help
Offer to help them connect with a therapist. Treatments like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and trauma-informed care have been shown to be highly effective in addressing the root causes of self-harm.
4. Suggest Healthier Coping Alternatives
Work with a mental health professional to build a toolbox of coping skills, such as:
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Journaling emotions
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Sensory tools like ice cubes or stress balls
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Grounding techniques
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Drawing, music, or creative expression
5. Build a Safety Plan Together
A safety plan outlines what to do when urges arise. It may include:
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A list of supportive contacts
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Soothing activities
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Reasons for living
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Steps to avoid triggers or unsafe tools
You Are Not Alone
Whether you’re navigating this journey personally or as a loved one, remember: you are not alone. Support is available, and recovery is possible. Understanding and supporting someone who self-harms begins with empathy, education, and access to the right resources.
At Thrive Wellness Clinic, our licensed therapists specialize in helping individuals and families heal from the pain of self-harm. We offer a safe, supportive environment to build new skills, process emotions, and rediscover hope.
